As the author of the book, "Financial Lovemaking 101," I thought that Valentine's Day might be a great time for us to talk about how love and money mix in ways you might never imagine. The powerful combination of affection and finances can be like the interaction between drugs, liquor, fire and gasoline, creating the kind of chemistry that blows you out of your socks. I am going to go out on a limb and share some perspectives from my personal life that might help women when it comes to the difficult task of breaking into the minds of men. I must confess, however, that this is just one point of view, and you should do further research on your own (I provide a book reference at the end of this article). While we can complain all day about what some black men are and are not doing, the truth is that there are some women who have no trouble keeping men interested. Personally, I've seen modestly attractive women who've kept my attention for years, and drop dead gorgeous women that I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole. If you don't take the time to understand how men think, then you might be consistently shooting at the wrong targets.

Here are a few things that I've seen women do near Valentine's Day (or other parts of the year for that matter) that have helped set them apart from the competition. Much of this relates to money, but it can always go much deeper than what we are discussing here:

1) Being relaxed about Valentine's Day and not making it such a big deal: The best thing a woman has ever said to me is that "Valentine's Day doesn't matter to me, as long as you love me and treat me well all year." Well, do you know what that did to me? It made me that much more excited about spending Valentine's Day with this woman. Rather than the holiday being an expensive chore, it became something I could look forward to. Many men are uncomfortable with constraints or commitments, and don't respond well to pressure; in fact, most people do not. A relationship that becomes hard work and a series of obligations can be a huge turnoff.

2) Does it really have to be expensive? I once met a woman who told me that her father taught her that any man who deserves to be with her should take her to five-star restaurants whenever she requested. Although I've often had the money to pay for such expensive places, the last thing I wanted to deal with was a woman who felt that a five-star restaurant is the bare minimum she would be willing to accept. A woman who is down to earth and willing to eat a cheeseburger with you every now and then is an incredibly precious asset. While guys may differ on this, the "round the way girl," can usually win a man's heart easier than the buppy princess, debutante daddy's girl who demands the best of everything. Many black males are struggling financially, and a man's greatest fear can be a woman whom he feels will drop him the minute he hits a financial hurdle. Ask yourself what's more valuable: to be loved or to be fully paid for? Don't let petty financial concerns or how someone dresses ruin the infinite possibilities that come with having true love in your life.


3) Sharing the cost can be a huge bonus: Its easy and traditional to sit back and let the guy "big ball" his way into your heart. After all, the natural inclination of a man is to handle all of the expenses. A good man is going to do his best to do that. But if you really want to be different, why not chip in on the bill or offer to pay half (not quite on the first date, but maybe on the second or third)? If he doesn't like the idea of you chipping in, at least offer to cover the tip or tell him that you'd like to take him to dinner and a movie. While women who are willing to let you take them out are a dime a dozen, the independent woman is invaluable and unique -- she is also communicating that she wants to help you build and grow by respecting the value of financial prudence. But the balance is a tricky one: Independence doesn't mean that you have to sing the "I don't need a man" mantra that so many women like to repeat. It only means that you are willing to be a teammate and not a financial dependent. A woman who helps a man reach his financial goals becomes far more than just a pretty face.

4) No emasculation please: A woman that a good man can easily love forever is the one who understands that money gets tight and that it doesn't make you less of a man if you sometimes struggle in the wallet. The worst thing you can do when a man doesn't meet your expectations is to attack, berate and emasculate him for his weaknesses. I remember seeing a beautiful woman yell at her boyfriend in front of me and make jokes about how he can't find a job. I felt terrible for the man, because it's quite painful for a man to be embarrassed that way in front of another guy. The same way a woman wants a man to make her feel beautiful, many men are attracted to women who make them feel strong and important. So, before you buy into the notion that you are somehow being weak by being your man's cheerleader, understand that relationships require compromise. You are a team, so you should cheer as hard as you can for each other. Being consistently supportive (and yes, stroking his ego a little bit) creates the trust necessary for you to critique his mistakes. In my humble opinion, a good woman is one who knows how to make her voice heard without making a man feel that he's being castrated. While some of this may sound a bit old-fashioned, you must realize that when a man wants something from a woman, he too must sometimes submit to rules that may seem a bit condescending and unnatural. Welcome to the world of love.

5) It's better to give than to receive: Think about your first job. You didn't take the job because you enjoyed going to work. Instead, you probably took the job because you wanted money. But did you walk in to your boss and say, "Give me all your money right now"? No. Instead, you said, "Can I work extra hours so I can earn extra money?" The key point here is that you understood one simple rule: To get more, you must give more. Instead of thinking about all the things you wish your mate would give you, think about things that you can give that will help you get what you want. Also, don't give him the things that YOU have decided are important: Listen to him and let him tell you what he would like to have. The best way to be greedy is to be as generous as you can possibly be. When you work overtime to show loyalty and support for your man, and offer to give the things that will make him happy, you'll be head and shoulders above the women who simply see men as a way to get access to marriage, money or all the other things they might want. If that man doesn't appreciate your generosity and consideration, then find a man who will.

The key at the end of the day is to learn how men think (I would give similar advice to men who want to understand women). For women, I recommend reading the book, "Secrets about Men that Every Woman Should Know" by Dr. Barbara De Angelis. I personally read her companion book, "What Women Want Men to Know," and it did wonders for me in terms of learning how women process information and how to appreciate/respect female points of view. While Steve Harvey is also offering you the chance to learn how to "think like a man," I am not sure if a comedian is better than a therapist when it comes to getting you concrete information you might need. So, after you finish reading Steve's book for comic relief, I recommend reading Barbara's book, which is based on solid research and thousands of interviews with couples. That's my two cents -- now go make it into a dollar.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Dr. Boyce Watkins is the founder of the Your Black World Coalition. To have Dr. Boyce commentary delivered to your email, please click here.