By Lawrence Watkins on Apr 23rd 2010 5:02PM
Filed under: News
There have been many specials on television, the radio and the Internet recently discussing the dating challenges of the modern black woman. The dominant theme is that
black women can't find good men, and that this impacts their romantic happiness. The list of reasons that people mention for this problem include the mass incarceration of black males, a poor educational system, higher unemployment for black men, a high prevalence of homosexuality in the black community, and some men taking advantage of the numbers gap between men and women by refusing to be monogamous.
There is a large number of black men in prison. Recent data says that black men are seven times more likely to go to prison than white men. Also, federal and state laws marginalize these men for life once they've served time in prison. After being released, they have a difficult time finding jobs, going to school or even voting. The economic problems are real as well. Black men have an unemployment rate of 19%, which is over twice as high as the white unemployment rate. In some major cities, the unemployment rate for black men is as high as 50%. Finally, the educational system is the root of it all, a system in which black boys are five times more likely to be placed in special education than white men -- without there being any major investigation into this huge difference. With all of these issues surrounding black men, some want to point the finger and say that we are to blame.
http://xml.channel.aol.com/xmlpublisher/fetch.v2.xml?option=expand_relative_urls&dataUrlNodes=uiConfig,feedConfig,entry&id=873747&pid=873746&uts=1272056822
http://cdn.channel.aol.com/cs_feed_v1_6/csfeedwrapper.swf
The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do
Options (other women)
With so many women out there, sometimes it can be difficult to settle down. Like much of the world, women outnumber men and in the black community, the disparity is even more pronounced. Sometimes guys just want to "sow their wild oats."
Pete Souza, Official White House Photo
BlackVoices.com
The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do
Options (other women)
With so many women out there, sometimes it can be difficult to settle down. Like much of the world, women outnumber men and in the black community, the disparity is even more pronounced. Sometimes guys just want to "sow their wild oats."
The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do
The family from hell
When expectations don't mesh between the man and the woman's family, sparks can fly creating disastrous situations.
The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do
Financial issues
Money can play a large role in a relationship as two people start sharing their income. When you realize that the girl of your dreams can't keep a hold of her pocket book and she's dragging you down in the process, it becomes hard to imagine a future together.
The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do
Insecurity/trust
Sometimes relationships can have trust issues and it makes it impossible to whole-heartedly be with someone, knowing the may lie or have cheated. The idea of his future wife with someone else can haunt a man.
The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do
Change in lifestyle
There are certain guys who don't want to get married simply because they like their care-free lifestyle. They don't want to compromise, they avoid responsibility and they cling to their personal space. For these men, a woman has to be pretty convincing in order to change their ways.
The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do
She already has kids
For some men, when a woman has children already, there may be a feeling that the they will never be his. They may turn away from raising another man's offspring for the sheer fact that she still has that connection to the children's father.
The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do
Geography
She may want to live in one area while he wants to live in another. He may get a job out of town that could be full of possibilities and she may be on the fast track in her own field. Simple things like geography can be a relationship killer for men when compromise is out of the question.
The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do
Social class or status
Your girl may have more money than you. Plain and simple, it can be difficult for some men to maintain relationships knowing that they aren't the primary breadwinners. This can create insecurity and actually work to emasculate some men as they may be constantly reminded by their situation or even their girl that she does in fact make more than him.
The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do
They may not be the right person
A relationship can sputter and yet reluctantly continue despite a bevy of problems and when the idea of marriage comes up, those flaws may become painfully apparent.
The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do
Divorce/Parents Never Married
Children learn what they see and if they have no role models to emulate, or if their parents weren't married, it may not be normal to them. Some men may have seen their parents go through a nasty divorce and consciously or unconsciously may fear marriage and the pain it may cause.
The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do
Although these social problems are real, the black female dating puzzle should not be used as an avenue to vilify black men. There are millions of African American men who work hard to see their children and are alienated from them by black women who may be angry at other men. Also, working-class men sometimes claim that educated and successful black women look them over in exchange for more successful men who may not be willing to commit to a relationship. When these women are single years later, some of them are resentful that the men they've been chasing all their lives are either married to someone else or going after younger women. The truth is that most attractive women have always had men around who would have married them years earlier if they'd only taken the time to notice them.
The battle over who is to blame for the dating situation in the black community is not good for any of us. While some blame black men for their behavior, we have to remember that most of these black men were raised by black women. Also, while some may consider black women to be difficult or contentious, many of them were made that way by the abandonment or emotional damage they've received at the hands of a black man or father figure. So, there is enough blame to go around for all of us, and it is probably not going to help.
The best recommendation? Love the person you are with and treat them as well as you can. Also, fight for legislation that will end the excessive incarceration of black men, so that they can be free to make good husbands. We also need to have more programs that help black men succeed in the education system, while supporting those who have been recently incarcerated.
We have to solve this problem together.
Lawrence Watkins is the CEO of the Great Black Speakers Bureau and an MBA student at Cornell University. For more information, please visit www.LawrenceWatkins.com. 
Comments: (120)
Add a comment
By: EB on 4/23/2010 9:09PM
In my opinion the "excessive incarceration" of Black men is not the problem why many successful black women can't find good men.
More specifically, and with the truth being an absolute defense to a lie, the reason that many successful black women can't find good black men is because many of today's successful black women are educated "fools". They have book knowledge but no knowledge of life, love, or how to really appreciate or even attract "good" black men, and even more disappointing is the fact that most successful black women only think of "me" "myself". and "I", and their best friends are their possessions.
They don't know how to say "please", or "thank you" to good black men, and they take for granted "courtesy".
Now, before I am bombarded with angry responses, please let me qualify myself. I am female, I have practiced law for nearly forty years, I have taught at several law schools and colleges, and I have had first-hand experiences of observing many "professional" black women lose out on kind, loving, and hard working black men simply because many of these young ladies are self-centered, arrogant, and at the end of the day lonely, simply because of money and self-rightousness.
The problem is that most of these successful black women have forgotten where they came from.
For example, most of them encountered good black men while in undergradute and/or professional school. They have even encountered good black men who are skilled laborers and entrepreneures. But of course those were days of financial struggles, days when those "good" black men had no problems "feeding" them, helping them out with "expenses", and no problems respecting and loving them for who they were and not who they were going to become.
And then, with degrees in hand, careers flourishing, big cars, money, and "status", many of these successful black women forgot those good black men, and other good black men who crossed and continue to cross their paths. Those "good black men" are now "not judt good enough.
In addition, many "successful" black women also seem to think that they are "beauty queens". They seem to think that money and status makes them beautiful.
Yes, many of them are attractive. However, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, but ugly is to the bones.
Successful black women become ugly when they forget to say "thank you" to a black man who takes the time to open doors for them. They are rude and arrogant to waite staffs, and their noses are soooo far up their butts that all they see is themselves in the mirror.
Most of them live alone with their dogs and cats when they can be living life with those 'good black men" who might not be as financially successful as they are, but who are far wealthier because they possess those things that really important at the end of the day ---love with no strings attached, kindness, and loyalty.
And no, I disagree that successful black women cant's find good black men because of the justice system. If its a spade, then call it a spade.
I continue to see so many successful black women lose out on life, and its sad.
Reply to this Comment | Report This
By: rasil on 4/24/2010 7:16AM
Painting with a broad brush has been the most misleading and ignorant portrayal that any woman takes. there are plenty of Black women with manners etc. The real problem firstly is that you could not possibly be another women. You are hiding behind that. Many of us are everything positive. black men today can NEVER be satisfied with a good Black woman. It's the white skin "stupid." Nothing more, nothing less. It is the nature of the matter. I know far too many great Black women. We have also decided to date outside of our race and I absolutely love it. black omen give someone of another race a chance.
Report This
By: Whitney18 on 4/24/2010 10:32AM
EB,
I disagree with you on one thing and that is incarceration of Black men is a major problem. As a lawyer, you do know that a lot of the Black men are incarcerated for lack of money to pay for a good attorney to get them off or prove their innocents. You also know that Black women have always been able to find work to support her family when the White man would not hire a Black men so the women had to work to make ends meet or support her family as a whole. You also knows that once they get a prison number, "No one" wants to give them another chance. They are first discriminated against because they are Black and now they are discriminated against because they have been incarcerated. There should be legislation passed to state that one do not have to report that mess if they are completely off papers, meaning no parole or probation, unless it has something to do with malestation of any kind. Some of them come out educated and with degrees. Some of them are very talented young men and if given the chance they will do better. That is called "REHABILITATION". You can't say that they ALL are not worth savings. Then maybe they can get a fresh START and get people feet off their necks. Now that's a solution!!!!!
Report This
By: nogreaterluv on 4/24/2010 10:35AM
You are so right on many of the points, I did not know women like you existed. Your knowledge, and grasp of this issue is really refreshing. Thank you for saying this. I am a Good black man. I am in the ministry. With an AA in civil and business law, a certified Paralegl, that also completed C H Mason Bible college. was a Gunners mate Guided missle tech. Electronic tech. In The US Navy. and much more. And not a bad looking man. Yet many Black women that I have meet, turn up their nose at me, Until they find out that I have many thing going for me. Then the attitued changes. By that time I am no longet interested, because they judged me. But through it all I will only marry a black women. I hope to find one like you.
Report This
By: trainwithrt on 4/24/2010 10:37AM
I like your comments, I could not have said it better myself. Many of our sisters have simply forgotten where they came from. That's why many are living alone with their dogs...possibly making love to it as white women do.
Report This
By: TYE on 4/24/2010 11:06AM
I am so glad that you said that and not me. You are so on point. It always amazed me to hear black women say there are no good black men. When in truth, the women are looking for the wrong thing. If black women stop looking for the paper, and start looking for what really matters. Maybe their outlook would change. This, from a good married Black Man. Married to a great Black Women!!!
Report This
By: SMH on 4/24/2010 12:30PM
I just want to say THANK YOU for saying what good black men have been thinking for years now.It`s so sad because they`re alot of beautiful black women out here who will never have a good man,because to them what he do,how much money he makes,and how many degrees he have is more important than how much he loves,adores,and treats them.Besides some black women are more concerned with the approval of their so called girlfriends,than being with someone because it makes them happy.
Report This
By: Ombatala1 on 4/24/2010 12:35PM
Your truth, is and should be the only light shed on this issue in my opinion... thank you.
Report This
By: tender leaves on 4/24/2010 4:02PM
How dare you say that women don't know how to say please and thank you. Were you on the dates with black women? I thought not. Maybe some of us black women have decided not to settle for less than what we know we deserve, and we still manage to live and find contentment.
You have no right to say that we are not courteous. I have been well-taught and no-one can make me come out of my ladylike composure and cast my manners aside. You need to check yourself.
Report This
By: Wilson on 4/24/2010 6:01PM
Need i say more!!! you hit the nail on the head.
Report This