Why Successful Black Women Can't Find a Good Man

There have been many specials on television, the radio and the Internet recently discussing the dating challenges of the modern black woman. The dominant theme is that black women can't find good men, and that this impacts their romantic happiness. The list of reasons that people mention for this problem include the mass incarceration of black males, a poor educational system, higher unemployment for black men, a high prevalence of homosexuality in the black community, and some men taking advantage of the numbers gap between men and women by refusing to be monogamous.

There is a large number of black men in prison. Recent data says that black men are seven times more likely to go to prison than white men. Also, federal and state laws marginalize these men for life once they've served time in prison. After being released, they have a difficult time finding jobs, going to school or even voting. The economic problems are real as well. Black men have an unemployment rate of 19%, which is over twice as high as the white unemployment rate. In some major cities, the unemployment rate for black men is as high as 50%. Finally, the educational system is the root of it all, a system in which black boys are five times more likely to be placed in special education than white men -- without there being any major investigation into this huge difference. With all of these issues surrounding black men, some want to point the finger and say that we are to blame.

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The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do

Options (other women)
With so many women out there, sometimes it can be difficult to settle down. Like much of the world, women outnumber men and in the black community, the disparity is even more pronounced. Sometimes guys just want to "sow their wild oats."

Pete Souza, Official White House Photo

BlackVoices.com

The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do

The family from hell
When expectations don't mesh between the man and the woman's family, sparks can fly creating disastrous situations.

The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do

Financial issues
Money can play a large role in a relationship as two people start sharing their income. When you realize that the girl of your dreams can't keep a hold of her pocket book and she's dragging you down in the process, it becomes hard to imagine a future together.

The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do

Insecurity/trust
Sometimes relationships can have trust issues and it makes it impossible to whole-heartedly be with someone, knowing the may lie or have cheated. The idea of his future wife with someone else can haunt a man.

The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do

Change in lifestyle
There are certain guys who don't want to get married simply because they like their care-free lifestyle. They don't want to compromise, they avoid responsibility and they cling to their personal space. For these men, a woman has to be pretty convincing in order to change their ways.

The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do

She already has kids
For some men, when a woman has children already, there may be a feeling that the they will never be his. They may turn away from raising another man's offspring for the sheer fact that she still has that connection to the children's father.

The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do

Geography
She may want to live in one area while he wants to live in another. He may get a job out of town that could be full of possibilities and she may be on the fast track in her own field. Simple things like geography can be a relationship killer for men when compromise is out of the question.

The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do

Social class or status
Your girl may have more money than you. Plain and simple, it can be difficult for some men to maintain relationships knowing that they aren't the primary breadwinners. This can create insecurity and actually work to emasculate some men as they may be constantly reminded by their situation or even their girl that she does in fact make more than him.

The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do

They may not be the right person
A relationship can sputter and yet reluctantly continue despite a bevy of problems and when the idea of marriage comes up, those flaws may become painfully apparent.

The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do

Divorce/Parents Never Married
Children learn what they see and if they have no role models to emulate, or if their parents weren't married, it may not be normal to them. Some men may have seen their parents go through a nasty divorce and consciously or unconsciously may fear marriage and the pain it may cause.

The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do

Although these social problems are real, the black female dating puzzle should not be used as an avenue to vilify black men. There are millions of African American men who work hard to see their children and are alienated from them by black women who may be angry at other men. Also, working-class men sometimes claim that educated and successful black women look them over in exchange for more successful men who may not be willing to commit to a relationship. When these women are single years later, some of them are resentful that the men they've been chasing all their lives are either married to someone else or going after younger women. The truth is that most attractive women have always had men around who would have married them years earlier if they'd only taken the time to notice them.

The battle over who is to blame for the dating situation in the black community is not good for any of us. While some blame black men for their behavior, we have to remember that most of these black men were raised by black women. Also, while some may consider black women to be difficult or contentious, many of them were made that way by the abandonment or emotional damage they've received at the hands of a black man or father figure. So, there is enough blame to go around for all of us, and it is probably not going to help.

The best recommendation? Love the person you are with and treat them as well as you can. Also, fight for legislation that will end the excessive incarceration of black men, so that they can be free to make good husbands. We also need to have more programs that help black men succeed in the education system, while supporting those who have been recently incarcerated.

We have to solve this problem together.

Lawrence Watkins is the CEO of the Great Black Speakers Bureau and an MBA student at Cornell University. For more information, please visit www.LawrenceWatkins.com.