By Lawrence Watkins on Apr 23rd 2010 5:02PM
Filed under: News
There have been many specials on television, the radio and the Internet recently discussing the dating challenges of the modern black woman. The dominant theme is that
black women can't find good men, and that this impacts their romantic happiness. The list of reasons that people mention for this problem include the mass incarceration of black males, a poor educational system, higher unemployment for black men, a high prevalence of homosexuality in the black community, and some men taking advantage of the numbers gap between men and women by refusing to be monogamous.
There is a large number of black men in prison. Recent data says that black men are seven times more likely to go to prison than white men. Also, federal and state laws marginalize these men for life once they've served time in prison. After being released, they have a difficult time finding jobs, going to school or even voting. The economic problems are real as well. Black men have an unemployment rate of 19%, which is over twice as high as the white unemployment rate. In some major cities, the unemployment rate for black men is as high as 50%. Finally, the educational system is the root of it all, a system in which black boys are five times more likely to be placed in special education than white men -- without there being any major investigation into this huge difference. With all of these issues surrounding black men, some want to point the finger and say that we are to blame.
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The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do
Options (other women)
With so many women out there, sometimes it can be difficult to settle down. Like much of the world, women outnumber men and in the black community, the disparity is even more pronounced. Sometimes guys just want to "sow their wild oats."
Pete Souza, Official White House Photo
BlackVoices.com
The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do
Options (other women)
With so many women out there, sometimes it can be difficult to settle down. Like much of the world, women outnumber men and in the black community, the disparity is even more pronounced. Sometimes guys just want to "sow their wild oats."
The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do
The family from hell
When expectations don't mesh between the man and the woman's family, sparks can fly creating disastrous situations.
The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do
Financial issues
Money can play a large role in a relationship as two people start sharing their income. When you realize that the girl of your dreams can't keep a hold of her pocket book and she's dragging you down in the process, it becomes hard to imagine a future together.
The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do
Insecurity/trust
Sometimes relationships can have trust issues and it makes it impossible to whole-heartedly be with someone, knowing the may lie or have cheated. The idea of his future wife with someone else can haunt a man.
The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do
Change in lifestyle
There are certain guys who don't want to get married simply because they like their care-free lifestyle. They don't want to compromise, they avoid responsibility and they cling to their personal space. For these men, a woman has to be pretty convincing in order to change their ways.
The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do
She already has kids
For some men, when a woman has children already, there may be a feeling that the they will never be his. They may turn away from raising another man's offspring for the sheer fact that she still has that connection to the children's father.
The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do
Geography
She may want to live in one area while he wants to live in another. He may get a job out of town that could be full of possibilities and she may be on the fast track in her own field. Simple things like geography can be a relationship killer for men when compromise is out of the question.
The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do
Social class or status
Your girl may have more money than you. Plain and simple, it can be difficult for some men to maintain relationships knowing that they aren't the primary breadwinners. This can create insecurity and actually work to emasculate some men as they may be constantly reminded by their situation or even their girl that she does in fact make more than him.
The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do
They may not be the right person
A relationship can sputter and yet reluctantly continue despite a bevy of problems and when the idea of marriage comes up, those flaws may become painfully apparent.
The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do
Divorce/Parents Never Married
Children learn what they see and if they have no role models to emulate, or if their parents weren't married, it may not be normal to them. Some men may have seen their parents go through a nasty divorce and consciously or unconsciously may fear marriage and the pain it may cause.
The 10 Reasons He Will Not Say, I Do
Although these social problems are real, the black female dating puzzle should not be used as an avenue to vilify black men. There are millions of African American men who work hard to see their children and are alienated from them by black women who may be angry at other men. Also, working-class men sometimes claim that educated and successful black women look them over in exchange for more successful men who may not be willing to commit to a relationship. When these women are single years later, some of them are resentful that the men they've been chasing all their lives are either married to someone else or going after younger women. The truth is that most attractive women have always had men around who would have married them years earlier if they'd only taken the time to notice them.
The battle over who is to blame for the dating situation in the black community is not good for any of us. While some blame black men for their behavior, we have to remember that most of these black men were raised by black women. Also, while some may consider black women to be difficult or contentious, many of them were made that way by the abandonment or emotional damage they've received at the hands of a black man or father figure. So, there is enough blame to go around for all of us, and it is probably not going to help.
The best recommendation? Love the person you are with and treat them as well as you can. Also, fight for legislation that will end the excessive incarceration of black men, so that they can be free to make good husbands. We also need to have more programs that help black men succeed in the education system, while supporting those who have been recently incarcerated.
We have to solve this problem together.
Lawrence Watkins is the CEO of the Great Black Speakers Bureau and an MBA student at Cornell University. For more information, please visit www.LawrenceWatkins.com. 
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Comments: (122)
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By: jimydancer on 4/24/2010 11:36AM
You are hiding behind that. Many of us are everything positive. black men today can NEVER be satisfied with a good Black woman. It's the white skin "stupid." Nothing more, nothing less
sounds real smart.......lolllll. everything positive and I am betting you are a white boy...trying to gain a pound or two.
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By: jimydancer on 4/24/2010 11:56AM
The whole ignorance can be summed up in a word...."educated "! this is absoloutely pathetic!
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By: KeepinItReal on 5/02/2010 7:13PM
Whitney,
You seem bitter and angry. I guess the truth hurts. Do not mistake education for intelligence. I firmly believe many unintelligent black people are having kids more than intelligent ones. Unintelligent people struggle with education (hence, high school drop outs, inability to pass standardized tests, etc). Years ago, even though black people were denied equal access to a quality education, many were INTELLIGENT and excelled when the opportunity arose. However, today, all the opportunities in the world can't help many. Again.....too many mentally slow/ retarded black men and black women are creating mentally slow kids. Deal with it!
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By: jimydancer on 4/24/2010 11:59AM
Nothing shines like an ignorant white preson.........
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By: D on 5/12/2010 1:07PM
Except an ignorant black person.
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By: Veritas 1979 on 4/24/2010 12:24PM
I submit that this issue is overrated in some respects. There are professional Black Men and Women finding each other all the time. Similarly, there are profesional Black Men and Women finding sucess with those who might not be considered "professional." It most cases depends on your personal experiences and perspective. I agee that "good" can be relative , but there are some things that transcend relativity. Most will agree that a "good" man is one who provides for hsi family, treats hsiwife with respect and dignity and does what's right. A "bad' man might be one who beats his wife, abuse his kids, engages in infidelty, etc. There is nothing wrong with a woman that has high self esteem except when it is couched in superficial hubris and arrogance. Self esteem does not mean that you can't be humble and genuine.
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By: Ron on 4/24/2010 12:40PM
There is a "big" difference between "Successful" and "Good" . Does one have to be successful to be good? I think not. There are many good people who are not successful. Goodness is a matter of the heart. Sucess is more about vanity and materialism. At the end of the day which will endure the test of life and time. Beauty fades. Money is loosing it's worth and value. Which is long lasting "Goodness" or "Sucess"? It takes two good peopleto make a relationship or marriage to work. Moreover, both must be in agreement on striving for goodness. The same hold true for success. In order for it to work. The question becomes which is more important to you? A suceessful man or a good man. Bare in mind these are two diffrent things. Which is most important and why?
There are some successful people who are very selfish, spoiled and no good. How did they reach their success? Did they are it being "Good" or Selfish" . This is an important matter. Because it comes down to one's ethics, morals, vaules, pricipals, self estem. We read and hear about many successful people these days in the media and popular culure who are who are selfish and rotten to to the core. Many lack dignity, morals and self respect.
Let's be clear on what "Successful" means and what "Good": really means. The dictionary defines successful as: prosperous, fortunate, triumphant, , flourishing, satisfied, undefeated, beyond all expectations etc. The word "Good" is defined as repectable, decent, kind, upright, moarl, hornorable.
The models in the photos above. Are these images of "Good" people or "Successful" people. If so how? And why? Moreover, why are these photos selected to influence your judgement on this topic? The photos really do not match the meanings of the words" "Good" nor Successful". Are thee moral or ethical people? For example: The sister laying on her bed in a business suite. She appears to be in a hotel room!, smiling as she peers outside her small hotel room window. She appears somewhat hopeful that, a date might meet her , visit or take her out? Is this a successful woman?Is she moral? Is she satisfied? Confident? or Uncertain? Why is she on a bed? She she waiting for a booty call? Does this image make her properous at finding a decet , moral brother or a respectful brother. We need to look at the words and images that are being used to define us in this blog.
We should not listen to statisics either because the world is not ade up of satistics but people. Statistics are used to make a statement. Statements are not always true.
There are many couples that are positive role models in your life. Look at your Pastor and his wife. Look at President Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama. We had many positive couples such as Malcom X and Sister Betty Shabazz,TD Jakes and his wife, Percy Sutton and his wife, Ozzie Davis And Ruby Dee, Bill Cosby, Phylisha Rashaid, and many others. Many of us had positive role couples in our families, communities and lives. We must celebrate those couples who are winning at the love walk and turn off the those who have yet to win. Love is not about getting into debut and material things.
Finally, my advise to my sisters is find a brother with a good heart. Because at the end of the day love is a matter of the heart. Brothers do the same find a sister with a good heart. Do not russh into love. Take it slow! Remember both of you need to have peace about each other when you walk to the Alter to get married. May both of you be blessed.
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By: mssassy on 4/30/2010 10:59PM
Ron!, i loved your comment, "find someone with an good heart,that is the bottom line, material thing's mean nothing,you are so intelligent!, i like you!
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By: Piante Crew on 4/24/2010 1:01PM
I feel black women want to downgrade white women as to how they live and treat there mates. But truthfully it seems they like the modern black women of today want to live like white women. They want the social priviligies that white women get. They want the big house, cars, money in the bank faithful partner, shop till u drop on weekends. But are they willing to be faithful to there partners. Not most of them. Are they going to stand strong with there partner during tough times. Not most of them. And most important are they going to be submissive to there partners. I mean emotionally,socially,financially,spiritually,sexually. All the categories. Most black women of today, i hate to put it this way,may as well be hookers. This is why i say that. Modern black women of today have no shame in there game with telling a black man interested in dating them or get to know them that.( you have to pay to play) meaning i have spend a certain amount of money just to be in her company. Thats how call girls and hookers operate. But in the next breath they want to be respected and treated like the Queens they are and can be. But tru Queens dont carry themselves in that manner. So, black women make up your minds, do you really want good black men or do u want the bells and whistles and materealistic possesions that seem to overwhelm today modern black women. I blame the people who raised them there parents on not educating there precious black daughters on the struggles and pitfalls that are laid out from birth for black men. We begin our lives behind the eight ball. With the discrimination and rough road we have to endure. I also blame the indivisual black ladies on not educating themselves on the plight of the black man. The struggles we will be faced with within this society. Just because the color of our skin and the inferiority complex white men have toward black men. Black women need to be educated about these issues, because they are real live and direct. Black men arent playing on a level playing field, so black women please understand that. Society is set up for us to fail in most instances not all but most. Understand those facts and stand by the good black men out there and grow together, and love each other. Because believe it or not society wants us to fail so there kids can get in the great career fields and get good jobs. And live,"the so called American Dream. We'll black women the Amerivan Dream didnt include us. Remember that an dont loss sight of those facts. I am a educated black man with a wife thats also educated. She undertands the pitfalls laid out there by our society for black men. Black women keep your eyes on the prize, growing and learning with your good black man. Not tearing him down dimining him and treating him like he's worthless. You can be educated and still find it difficult to be succesful in America. Why, because the American dream wasn't made for our race to take advantage of? PLEASE REMEMBER THAT BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMEN !!!!
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By: LFarrar on 4/24/2010 1:09PM
As soul brotha myself I do find it alarming and most intriguing when this conversation come up! I am no gorul on the ladies and I'm sure that all sides have credible arguments! But coming out of a two parent black loving spiritual family I was trully blessed to see how a self-assured black man and father loved and cared for a beautiful and intelligent black women my mama! And together through good times and bad times they reared 12 children! What this taught me was that there are many who hold dear the value of love, respect, comunication, trust and most importantly a personal relationship with God is the True Key!
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