The Black Church Keeps Black Women Single and Lonely?

In my book "Financial Lovemaking 101," one of the topics of discussion is the economic benefit of marriage. Although I am not one to judge whether someone should get married or stay single, it can certainly be argued that children and adults are usually economically better off in a two-parent home than one with a single parent. The logic is quite simple: When two people are earning money for the family, the family unit (on average) has more money available. Beyond that, you can share responsibilities and make sure that the economic benefits of the family are not traded off for social and nurturing benefits. I can't tell you how many kids I've heard say, "My mother couldn't spend time with us because she was out working two jobs."

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Black Spiritual Leaders

Influential Black Spiritual Leaders
People around the world look to pastors, preachers, bishops and reverends for spiritual guidance and inspirational nourishment. In the black community, popular clergymen such as Bishop T.D. Jakes, Prophetess Juanita Bynum and Rev. Al Sharpton are held in high esteem and have much influence over congregations and countless followers alike. Take a look at them and other influential black spiritual leaders.

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Black Spiritual Leaders

Bishop T.D. Jakes, The Potter's House
AGE: 51 HOMETOWN: South Charleston, West Virginia ABOUT HIM: The entrepreneur and chief pastor of the The Potter's House, a 30,000 member non-denominational megachurch church in Dallas. FACTOID: Jakes, who was named among America's "Top 10 Religious Leaders" by 'Time' magazine, has recorded Grammy- and Dove Award-nominated music projects. He also produced the movies 'Woman Thou Art Loosed' and 'Not Easily Broken.'

Black Spiritual Leaders

Reverend Jeremiah Wright, Trinity United Church of Christ
AGE: 67 HOMETOWN: Philadelphia, Pennsylvania ABOUT HIM: For 36 years, Wright was the Senior Pastor of the Chicago megachurch -- which boasted around 8,500 members. Controversial remarks made during his sermon shed negative light on the popular church, and one of its most well known parishioners: Illinois Senator and U.S. presidential candidate Barack Obama. FACTOID: Named one of 'Ebony' magazine's top 15 preachers, Wright has received a Rockefeller Fellowship and seven honorary doctorate degrees, including from Colgate University, Lincoln University, Valparaiso University, United Theological Seminary and Chicago Theological Seminary.

Black Spiritual Leaders

Juanita Bynum, televangelist
AGE: 49 HOMETOWN: Chicago, Illinois ABOUT HER: A former beautician, flight attendant and drug abuser, Bynum transformed herself into one of the most popular celebrity clergywomen after being introduced to the masses by Bishop T.D. Jakes. With a highly rated TBN show and a thriving television ministry, she gained national attention in 2007 when her estranged husband, Bishop Thomas Weeks, III, allegedly attacked her in a hotel parking lot. FACTOID: Bynum, a best-selling recording artist and author, has crossed over into entertainment. In 2008, she starred on episodes of the hit ABC Family network TV series 'Lincoln Heights' and will also appear in the big movie adaptation of the off-Broadway musical 'Mama I Want To Sing,' alongside Ciara, Lynn Whitfield and Patti LaBelle.

Black Spiritual Leaders

Bishop Eddie L. Long, New Birth Missionary Baptist
HOMETOWN: North Carolina ABOUT HIM: He first served as pastor in 1987 for a congregation consisting of just more than 300 members. Now the Lithonia, Georgia-based megachurch's membership has totaled to over 30,000 members. FACTOID: Long has authored numerous books, including 'What a Man Wants, What a Woman Needs' and 'The Blessing in Giving.' The bishop is also featured on rapper Ludacris' latest album, 'Release Therapy,' and appeared on the hit Bravo reality show, 'Real Housewives of Atlanta.'

Black Spiritual Leaders

Rev. Al Sharpton, National Action Network
AGE: 54 HOMETOWN: Brooklyn, New York ABOUT HIM: Mostly recognized as a staunch civil rights activist for people of color, the former James Brown tour manager is the founder the National Action Network, a nonprofit, civil rights organization with over 40 active chapters nationwide. FACTOID: A 2004 U.S. Presidential candidate, the divorced father of two daughters has written a memoir (with Karen Hunter) hosted his own TV show (on TV One) and nationally syndicated radio program.

Black Spiritual Leaders

Bishop Noel Jones, City of Refuge Church
AGE: 57 HOMETOWN: Spanish Town, Jamaica ABOUT HIM: In 1994, Bishop Jones founded Noel Jones Ministries (NJM), formerly known as Jesus Alternative Ministries, in an effort to address religion's inability to offer real relevance to the changing climate of the times. His Gardenia, California-based church boasts 7,000 members. FACTOID: One of seven children born to Bishop Robert and Marjorie Jones, Bishop Jones attended St. Jago High School and went on to attain a B.S. in Theology from Aenon Bible College. He is the younger brother of entertainer Grace Jones.

Black Spiritual Leaders

Jamal Harrison Bryant, The Empowerment Temple
ABOUT HIM: Bryant founded Baltimore's Empowerment Temple in April 2000, which became the fastest growing church in the A.M.E. denomination with over 11,000 members. Prior to his role as pastor, he served as director of the NAACP's youth and college division. FACTOID: Despite dropping out of high school, Bryant later obtained a GED and went on to further his education, receiving a degree from Morehouse College, a masters of divinity from Duke University and doctorate in ministry. Today, his 'Power for Life' broadcast is heard weekly across the United States, the Caribbean, England and throughout the continent of Africa.

Black Spiritual Leaders

Pastor Cynthia Hale, Ray of Hope Christian Church
HOMETOWN: Roanoke, Virginia ABOUT HER: Hale is the founding and senior pastor of the Ray of Hope Christian Church in Decatur, Georgia, which has an active membership of 5,000 and an average of 1,500 in worship each Sunday morning. FACTOID: In 2004, Hale established a mentorship program to assist in the spiritual as well as practical development of pastors and church leaders. She has been recognized by Ebony magazine as one of the greatest black women preachers in America.

Black Spiritual Leaders

Bishop Larry Trotter, Sweet Holy Spirit Church
HOMETOWN: Chicago, Illinois ABOUT HIM: Since 1981, Trotter has expanded his congregation at The Windy City's Sweet Holy Spirit Church from 22 members to over 5,000. FACTOID: In addition to his preaching ministry, Trotter is also an accomplished musician who was nominated for a Stellar Award in 2003 for his rendition of 'Jesus is the Best Thing that Ever Happened to Me.'

Black Spiritual Leaders

Now, with that said, Deborrah Cooper, an advice columnist on dating-related issues, came up with the interesting premise that the black church is a large part of the reason that some black women are single and lonely. Without endorsing or rejecting the article off-hand, I applauded Deborah's bravery in writing a piece like this, largely because speaking against the black church will get you stabbed by some black folks. With my father being a Southern Baptist minister, I learned long ago that it's never productive to question the commitment that African Americans have to their church. I don't agree with everything that Deborah says, but her points should certainly be heard.

With that said, I'll simply lay out some of what Deborah says about dating, black women and how the black church allegedly keeps black women single and lonely:

She starts by citing a PEW study which found that 80 percent of black Americans report that religion is "very important" in their lives, compared with 57 percent of the general population. She also said that 57 percent of black Americans "interpret scripture literally," compared with just 32 percent of the general population. She goes on to say that men are significantly less likely to consider religion to be important in their lives, meaning that they aren't going to be in the churches that black women are attending every Sunday.

I could see Cooper's point that if men aren't going to church, then it's more difficult to find a good man in the church. The problem with her analysis is that she makes the additional leap in logic to argue that going to church is not going to make a woman interesting or attractive to men. I don't agree with that assessment.

Perhaps what one could say is that if you are ultimately and entirely insistent upon only dating men who go to church regularly, then you might be limiting your dating options. I don't attend church every Sunday, and I've had women reject me based on that premise alone. Not that this ever bothered me (it's not hard to find someone to date if you're a black man with a job), but I found it ironic that some women will choose a deceptive man who goes to church over a good man who does not. We all know that going to church does not necessarily make you an ethical person or a good husband.

One borderline funny (and some would say accurate) part of Cooper's article is when she lays out the categories of men that black women are likely to find in the church. According to Cooper, most black men in church fall in the following groups:

1) A loser working a 12-step program: She describes these men as weak, confused and looking for structure in their lives; hardly marriage material for anyone.

2) Openly or in the closet gay men.

3) Opportunistic players on the prowl: She says that these men take advantage of all the horny, single women in the church. Since sex among singles is a sin, he fully expects that the women will keep their transgressions quiet.

4) Elderly reformed players: According to Cooper, these men are looking for their nursemaid and bed warmer. They are seeking someone who can "take care of their broken down asses before they die."

I admit that I find Cooper's article to be hilarious. Also, there are some points of truth to her piece. I also believe that Cooper's article is built on a deeper resentment of both the black church and black men. Her writing appears to come from a place of pain and frustration, perhaps through her own dating experiences or that of her friends. But we must also confess that her article comes from a place of courage, since many women think the same thoughts as Cooper, but don't speak on them out of fear of the repercussions.

Here is what I take away from the article about black women, the black church and dating:

1) The spirit of God and goodness is something that isn't just found in a church. It is ultimately found in your heart. You can't judge books by their cover.

2) When God sends you true love, he may not send it to you in the package or location that you feel to be most appropriate. If you are not prepared to receive the love in that package, then you are going to miss it completely.

3) If your current dating strategy isn't working, you might want to try something else.

The article is a good one -- I suggest you take a read.

Dr. Boyce Watkins is the founder of the Your Black World Coalition and a Scholarship in Action Resident of the Institute for Black Public Policy. To have Dr. Boyce commentary delivered to your email, please click here.